Starfire Page 15

The sound of the door shutting was loud in her ears. She fought the urge to hide her head. Never before had she shirked bad news, and she wouldn’t now. She raised her gaze to Duvall. He sat down just beyond Raven, and she felt distinctly uneasy.

  “So, are you an item, and if so, what’s the long-term viability of your relationship, not to mention plans, if it falls in a heap?” Duvall looked at Raven with hard eyes, his cold voice cutting in the silence.

  “It’s none of your business, Duvall.”

  “Raven, if you believe that, you’re whistling in the breeze. Any relationship on my bird is my business. So, what is it?” His voice and his eyes were brutal as he asked Raven the question.

  “Duvall, please. It isn’t his fault. I instigated it.” Jemma winced as she heard her voice, thin with distress. “If anyone should be carpeted, it’s me.” She looked at Duvall, urging him to accept what she was saying.

  “No, it isn’t, Jemma. I wanted you from the first moment I saw you. I want forever, you know that.” Raven flashed a look of anger at Duvall.

  “Don’t do this, Raven. Don’t ruin your relationship with Duvall over me.” Jemma gulped, her eyes seeking his, wanting him to accept the situation so she could spare him. She knew they were like brothers and felt the fury in the air sparking between them. She’d save them both the time and energy and remove herself. She’d been foolish to even think that she had a place either here or in Raven’s future.

  Duvall pinned Raven with a glare and her own fury ratcheted up a notch. “Fine, so you go for the forever. What happens if it doesn’t work out?” Duvall’s voice was harder and more cutting than before, pulling them back to the issue at hand.

  He knows I’m no good at forever. Oh God! Let him take it to me, not Raven. Never Raven. The worried thoughts circled in her brain.

  It coalesced in her mind; there was only one way to deal with this. Remove herself from the frame totally. Her heart splintered as she rose and screwed up every ounce of pain that radiated. “Then I’ll be gone and your ship is sacred ground once more.” Jemma pushed away from the table. Tears burned their way from her eyes, coursing down her face. “I go and you all go back to being one big, happy family without me. Just like it’s always been. Start my transfer now, and after the job is done, I’m out of your hair.”

  Duvall looked at her, shocked, and Raven made to stand up.

  “Sit down, Jemma. I’m not quite finished yet,” Duvall said, his voice bitterly cold, and a chill swept through her.

  She swiped angrily at the tears rolling down her face, mortified that Duvall had cut right through her argument. Raven grabbed her hand, but she pulled away, refusing to look at him.

  “Sir.” Her voice was a shaky whisper. She dropped her gaze so she would not see the contempt she expected in either man’s faces.

  “Jemma, you’ve been assigned to the Elector for the duration of the mission. Admiral Elphin read your report and watched the footage from your encounters with the pirates. That fancy flying and the fact that you were prepared to do something outside the box, including the retrofitting of the shuttle, impressed the hell out of him. He needs you to get at least one spook to use against the rogues. But you need to focus on the mission right now, not a romance.” His voice softened toward the end of the statement. “I can understand that sometimes it sneaks up on you. But I need to be sure that you two will keep it straight. If it does go wrong, we can’t afford to have the two of you at odds with each other. So whatever you do, just keep it straight.” His voice hardened with frustration, and Jemma flinched once more. “Jemma, you’re dismissed.”

  She nodded miserably and turned. The excitement she should have felt at the unexpected placement had been drowned by the misery of Duvall’s reaction to her and Raven—a relationship she’d finally taken the plunge into. Yet the sense of security she craved was ripped out from beneath her as soon as it began, and she realized that she couldn’t do this to Raven. She would end it. Now.

  Without looking at either man, she left the room.

  Chapter 12

  Raven shook with rage as he listened to Duvall and his rant about forever, commitment, and the crew of the Elector. He had cringed when he heard Jemma stating it was her fault. For all the work he had done with her in the last few weeks, his patient waiting for months, he felt it had all been lost in one ham-fisted attempt by Duvall to work out what his intentions were.

  “You’re a bastard, you know that? She has issues that you never even stopped to consider. You ran roughshod straight over her. Didn’t let either of us explain. I’ve been working with Elara to try to get Jemma to see that she’s a worthwhile person, because she sure as hell doesn’t think so. In one stupid outburst, you have torpedoed everything I’ve achieved with Jemma. Barsha, did you even stop to think before you opened your mouth?” The rage spewed forth hot and angry, and his fists curled like claws as he fought to control them.

  “Shut up, Raven.” Duvall attempted to talk, but Raven was too wound up. He advanced on his friend and captain.

  “No, you shut up and listen. She has the most fragile self-esteem I have ever seen. She thinks she’s worthless, and your thoughtless words have probably undone hours of thought and planning on my part and work with Elara. For Eshra’s sake! I care for that woman, and you’ve put her back so far... I can’t even think...” Raven growled, throwing up his arms in rage. He gritted his teeth as he fought to control the snarling, angry beast that rampaged within his chest. He wanted to grab Duvall and shake him until his brains rattled, so he grabbed the back of the chair and squeezed.

  “What do you mean?” Duvall stood up, pushed the chair out of the way, and toed up to Raven.

  Raven knew his face glowed red; he could feel the heat he radiated. “She has bloody self-esteem issues. That’s why she acts like she does. That’s why she took those chances in her craft to save the Elector. She sees herself as expendable.” He slumped back down in his seat, putting his hand over his face and letting the rage wash away until bone weariness replaced it. Barsha! She’ll retreat now and I’ll be back to where I started.

  He heard the creak and groan of the chair as Duvall sat down as well. “Hell, I didn’t realize. For Eshra’s sake, if I’d realized...” Duvall’s voice tapered off, frustration with himself now clear in his voice. “But we test for those sorts of issues.”

  “When they’re first assigned to the academy as well as while in the educational system, yes. But she wasn’t exactly a normal intake or had what we’d consider a normal childhood, did she? They missed the psych eval.”

  “Barsha.”

  “Yeah, well you should’ve asked me first what was going on. You’ve known me for more than a dozen years, you should’ve trusted I knew what I was doing. I’ve got to go check on her.” Raven stood up slowly, but the fear and anxiety remained in his chest, making him feel like an old man who’d lost everything. “I’ll see what I can do to sort this out. But I have to tell you, you ever treat her like that again, and I will gut you, friend, captain, or not. Got it?”

  “I’m still your senior officer, the captain of this ship.”

  “Then act like it. If you’ve an issue, ask before you jump down our throats!” Raven pointed at Duvall. “No one said a word when you brought Mellissa into the fold, or even Grayson and Elara. I’m not asking for special dispensation here, just the same courtesy as you lot were afforded.”

  “Damn! Do you love her?”

  The words surprised Raven, who stopped short and looked at his friend, then dropped into a seat. “What? Of course I do. I want everything, babies and houses and forever...” His voice tapered off.

  “Then when were you planning on telling me?”

  “As soon as the mission was over. I was hoping to ease her into a relationship then go from there. Natural progression for us, I thought.”

  “What about all the other women though, Raven? She’ll hear about them.”

  “Oh, that’s rich coming from you, Mr. No Commitment.” The words drip
ped heavy with sarcasm. “There hasn’t been half the women everyone imagined, and since I met her there’s been no one else. No interest. Now, sir, if you will excuse me, I have to go scrape my girl back together and see what I can salvage of our relationship. Working and personal.” He hoped his voice, so full of anger and rage, would find a target in Duvall’s conscience. With that, Raven stood and stalked from the room, leaving Duvall watching the door shut.

  * * * *

  Duvall sat heavily in his chair.

  “Well, that went well, didn’t it?”

  He swiveled in his chair to see Mellissa standing in the doorway to their cabin.

  “Duvall, sometimes you just have to leave things alone to make it work. Seriously, that was pretty harsh the way you brought it up. Raven was right, you should’ve asked them first.” Her tone was in line with the tightly bunched brows, and he felt the dissatisfaction with him settling on his shoulders like a tangible weight.

  “Yeah, I just learned that.” A long, deep sigh issued from him, and Mellissa moved forward.

  “I never realized that Jem had all those troubles, but even so, I wouldn’t have handled it like you did. That scene was like a hammer on a porcelain cup. I mean, I know she’s always so out there, with both her attitude and the way she lives, not to mention the men.” Mellissa shook her head, her face screwed up. “Damn. I wish I’d known.”

  He felt the frustration right down to his toes. He didn’t want to regret anything he did with Mellissa, but there it was, staring him in the face. “So…”

  “You’re going to have to do something about what you said and did. You can’t leave the situation as it is.”

  “You’re right, as usual.” He sighed, accepting that Mellissa was making her point without being angry. But rarely did she lose her temper; massaging him into realizing he’d made an error was more her style. “I should’ve seen that there was an issue. That is my job. To lead and encourage my crew and keep things smooth. Barsha! If only I’d done what Raven suggested. I was concerned he was only toying with her and she him. I can’t afford for the ongoing crew dynamics to be compromised.” He let his head slip to the headrest, for just an instant the responsibilities of captain-hood overtaking him.

  “So, diplomacy is an art form you’ve never really mastered. I guess the next thing you need to work on is how to sort this out? You can’t leave it, otherwise it’ll fester and that only makes things worse. You need to be honest with both of them, tell them that you regret the way you handled the situation. Tell them that you were wrong.”

  He closed his eyes, and she moved forward until she was equal to his chair.

  Leaning toward him, she opened her lips over his, kissing him softly. “I can have a talk with her tomorrow, if you prefer. Let her get today and the upset out of the way first.”

  He considered letting Mellissa talk to her, but as quickly as that occurred, came the shame. That would be wrong. He wouldn’t ask that of her. It was his responsibility to make the situation right.

  His eyes opened and he could see the rise of desire in those gorgeous pools of forever. “No, you’re right. If I leave it, the problem will be bigger.” He let the words whisper against her lips. “I guess I need to talk to Elara, find out how to deal with the situation and get her help. Then I need to make my peace with Raven. Try to find a way to undo the damage with Jemma and generally get the ship’s senior crew back to some sort of equilibrium.”

  He leaned forward and grabbed Mellissa around the waist.

  “But before I do any of that, I’m going to make love to my researcher, who also happens to be my wife, partner, and a very clever author. Yes, I saw that your manuscript was finished.” He pulled her forward until her knees touched either side of his seat. He pulled a little more and she moved in, straddling his lap. “Just. Like. This.” His mouth crushed hers on a moan as he pulled her more firmly into the embrace, his hand already working on the buttons of her ship suit.

  * * * *

  “Well now, my girl, one more stuff-up in a lifetime of them. You’re batting about one hundred percent currently.” Jemma looked at the mascara streaks on her face and her puffy, red eyes. No way was she going back out there looking like a drowned raccoon. If she had nothing else left, at least she still had her pride.

  Grabbing a cloth, she quickly scrubbed her face clean and carefully reapplied her makeup. She tackled her red and swollen eyes, applying the camouflage as best she could, so that several minutes later she looked under control, or as good as could be expected. It was hard to avoid thinking about how badly her chest hurt. One hand extended up and rubbed the region of her heart where a crushing ache lay. Knowing that she and Raven couldn’t have any more of a future had destroyed something within her.

  Focus on the task. Do what needs to be done, but keep it light and keep it clean. The internal monologue didn’t soothe as it usually did. She straightened up, looked one last time in the mirror, then smartly turned on her heel to walk through her cabin doorway and out to the corridor. With swift strides, anyone passing her by would just think she was in a hurry, not running from the biggest disaster of her life.

  Jemma reached the shuttle bay and authorized the opening of the door. Pleased to see it was empty, she entered, giving the command to shut the door behind her. As if the hounds of hell were nipping at her heels, she hurried over the plascrete, clambered into the shuttle, and closed the doors. She’d rather no one saw her there; she could do her work on the weapons panel as efficiently inside as outside. A quick crawl under the captain’s chair and she started working on removing the patched-in weapons systems that Chowd had fitted.

  The wires and cords she and Chowd had retrofitted reminded her of her own temporary status on the Elector. Oh, she’d heard Duvall saying she was to stay with the ship, but seriously, the need to distance herself once more from the crew in order to do her job and make sure she didn’t jeopardize Raven’s now took on a much higher priority with her. His job was so much more important than hers, and so was his place in the Empire.

  All she had to do was blow as many out of the sky as she could before they got her. Simple. Her work slowly filled her mind. Her fingers moved quickly—remove this cable here, replace the original cords there. Some leads needed a full replacement, as the originals were spliced to allow the extra cords to be added. She worked feverishly, letting the tears run down her face. Bit by bit the job continued. The ache in her chest grew with the mountain of wiring that littered her feet.

  Slowly, the sobs came, shaking loose. Her eyes unable to see for the flood of tears, she stopped and rolled into herself.

  That’s how Raven found her, sobbing and cold, hidden in the shadows below the captain’s chair in the shuttle. She didn’t hear the door of the shuttle open or the footsteps. His voice slashed through the air. “Barsha! Jemma! Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. Duvall is a ham-fisted idiot and didn’t realize that I love you, or that I was committed to us. I didn’t want this to happen.”

  He reached for her, but she shrank away from his touch. His face tightened, and she just wanted to disappear at the hurt that was clear in his expression. She swiped a hand over her eyes and wanted to die of embarrassment when streaks of black eye makeup appeared on the palm of her hand. She stared at them and refused eye contact.

  “No, Raven. He was right. I shouldn’t interfere with your work. What you do is so important. That’s why they wanted you on the Elector, and I understand that. It was right that he said those things.” The words flowed out of her mouth before she could stop them, and she tried to lift her head, but it was so heavy, and she just couldn’t show him the depths of her despair.

  Once more he reached forward, and she shied away again.

  “You need to concentrate on your job, just as I need to concentrate on mine.” She raised her eyes to his. “It really is better this way. For you. For me. For everyone.”

  Jemma took a deep breath and held it as she tried to control herself and the sobs that robbed her of
breath. She exhaled.

  “Please don’t come looking for me again. We’re colleagues and can never be anything else. Now you need to go and I need to finish my task.” With that, she turned her head and started removing the old wiring again.

  She controlled her breathing, holding in the sobs that wanted to escape, but they filled her chest once more to the bursting point. She waited, listening for the sound of his feet on the decking, but instead, the sound of him sitting in the co-pilot’s chair took her by surprise. Gentle hands captured her around the waist and lifted her from the cold floor.

  “No, Jemma, he wasn’t right. I won’t let you disappear again like you did at the academy. I need to be with you, as much as you need to be with me. We’re each other’s perfect half, matching together forever, like a key and its lock. I love you too much to see you alone and hurting.”

  Her chest fractured one sob, then another escaped. She curled into his arms, needing the warmth and reassurance she was coming to rely on. Her hands made their way up to his neck and clasped behind it, uncaring of anything except the need to be in his arms and accept the support he offered.

  “Oh God, Raven! I’m so sorry. I never meant to make it difficult for you.” She cried the words against his flight suit.

  He held on tighter and whispered into her hair. “It’s not your fault. There is no way in this lifetime, or any other, that I’m going to let you go again. Not ever.”

  Jemma lay in his arms and shivered, as the worst of the emotional outpouring was spent. Now all that remained was an exhaustion of the body and spirit.

  “I’m never letting you go. I’ve loved you since the first time I saw you, and even more now that I know you. The person that you are is just too special to me.” He kissed her forehead, cheeks, and finally, softly, her mouth. “Let’s get out of here. My cabin is near, and you and I need to be alone.” He lifted her, and while she protested, he just hefted her higher, tight against his chest, and strode out of the shuttle bay, down the corridor to his office. Jemma hid her face in the curve of his neck, holding on tightly, saying nothing and drawing on the power he exuded.